Careers
Careers at In Cells We Trust
We’re not hiring. We’re ascending.
Welcome to the Spreadsheet Singularity™
At ICWT, we don’t believe in jobs. We believe in formulas, functions, and fanatical devotion to the cell. Our team isn’t a family — we’re a workbook. Every sheet has its purpose. Every row pulls its weight. If you’re lucky enough to be A1, don’t act like you’re Z37.
"We’re not a startup. We’re a startup file."
— Our (imaginary) Founder
Departments We Pretend Exist
📊 Data Modeling & Emotional Detachment
We model everything — revenue, relationships, and our own burnout. Manifestation is for astrology girls. We simulate outcomes.
🧑🎨 Merch Design & Spreadsheet Streetwear
High fashion meets high function. Our designers don’t moodboard — they pivot table.
📣 Marketing & Cell Evangelism
Our job is to take a shirt with VLOOKUP jokes and make it feel like a rebellion. We don’t run campaigns — we run conditional formatting over the competition.
🧘 HR & Existential Support
We offer unlimited PTO, but only for Post-Traumatic Optimization.
No days off. Just different tabs.
Perks & Benefits*
- Unlimited spreadsheet tabs (BYO license)
- Quarterly company-wide cry sessions (optional, but tracked)
- Keyboard wrist rests made of recycled broken dreams
- Free coffee brewed using filtered pivot table logic
- Access to our internal knowledge base: “The Sheet Scrolls”
- Our Slack has a #cellf-care channel, but it’s just #general in disguise
*None of these perks are real. But the pressure to perform? That’s very real.
How to Apply
You don’t.
But if you must, you can email jobs@incellswetrust.com and attach:
- Your resume (as a .xlsx file, obviously)
- A 10,000-word essay on why CTRL+Z is the most underrated life skill
- A screenshot of your most chaotic desktop folder
- Your blood type (optional, but recommended)
We read every application. We just don’t respond.
Unless your SUMIFS are clean.
Final Note
We're not expanding. We're refactoring.
And if you're still reading this... you already work here.
Welcome to the cult.